Dream Home Theather System :D

Sony Super MU.TE.KI (HTDDW8500) Home Theatre System




What's HOT!
Quad subwoofers deliver good bass, 7-channel audio suits Blu-ray movies
What's Not!
Needs serious space, cabinets aren’t solidly constructed
The Final Word
If you want big, booming, mate-impressing sound, then the Sony Super MU.TE.KI (HTDDW8500) has exactly what you need. It’s large and brash and delivers a huge amount of bass when needed.

Any Comments?

Oh My Dream MoBo

here's the review
http://www.tomshardware.com/reviews/intel-skulltrail-part-1,1768.html

Are You Laughing??

H1N1 Scare!!

Adidas...

Every once in a while you come across a bizarre advert. Alright, I must admit, weird ads outnumber the ones that make you go “Woohooo!”.

Perhaps that is because it’s just so much more fun to talk about the silly ones? Take these ones, for instance.



The ‘adidas’ gone wrong. Or gone right, if you agree with this slogan. Someone obviously had a lot of time on their hands.

Work is slow, Photoshop is just begging to be opened …

Of course, the prankster might be subconsciously confessing something. That would explain the tardiness at work.

F-Cup Cookies

At first glance I figured this was a cookie you hid in the cleavage. I’m sorry, but we just talked about booby-shaped desserts. What were you expecting?

And it’s not like the product picture was self-explanatory. But apparently I am wrong. This is in fact a booby-enhancing cookie.

Yup, eat an undefined amount and you end up in an F-Cup! Now, developing hefty calf muscles to balance that torso is all up to you.

Booby Pudding

That’s right! It is pudding shaped like breasts! And you know what? Just for the heck of it, it’s pudding in different shapes and sizes!

It is a bit disturbing that the girl on the left look a bit young. In fact, I wonder if her outfit is a school uniform or sailor’s outfit.

Japanese see-through Skirt (Sexay~~)

It’s not really a transparent skirt. Rather, it is a print on the back to make it look like you can see right though.

Funny what people are ready to believe! Tell them smoking is bad for you and people will pish posh in your face. Tell them about a perverse skirt from Japan and everyone swears by the rumor.

Well, despite the number of people pointing at the pictures as photoshopped, people continue to believe it. And happily pressing the forward button while they are at it.

Scary Lift

This must be a joke by some people who have nothing better to do in life. To paint the floor of a life so scary that you will shit whatever you have taken for breakfast this morning!



Look at the poor boy who jumped onto the edge of the life, hanging in the air… he must have shitted right on the spot! Pity him… what’s worse is that there are busy bodies who enjoy the show and even photographing! This is definitely not a good way to get scared like this!

Anyway, the painting on the floor of the lift is pretty realistic, right?

Singlish vs English

Use Singlish. It~{!/~}s so much cheaper.
Why do we insist on using the Queen~{!/~}s English?
Singlish is so much more economical and effective?
Compare and see!


When going shopping...
Brit : I~{!/~}m sorry, Sir, but we don~{!/~}t seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
S~{!/~}porean: No Stock!

When returning a call...
Brit : Hello, this is Mr Bean. Did anyone page me a few moments ago?
S~{!/~}porean: Hello, who page?

When someone is in the way...
Brit : Excuse me, I~{!/~}d like to get by. Would you please make way?
S~{!/~}porean: Lai, siam! Or Siam, hor! Or Skius!

When someone offers to pay...
Brit : Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
S~{!/~}porean: no need lah

When asking for permission...
Brit : Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
S~{!/~}porean: (while pointing at door) Can pass or not?

When asking to be excused...
Brit : If you would excuse me for a moment, I have to go to the gents/ladies. Carry on without me, it would only take a moment.
S~{!/~}porean: Go toilet. Buay tahan ahh.....

When doubting someone...
Brit : I don~{!/~}t recall you giving me the money.
S~{!/~}porean: Got meh?

When disagreeing on a topic of discussion...
Brit : Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you~{!/~}re coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the policy.
S~{!/~}porean: Talk cock lah you!

When asking someone to lower their voice...
Brit : Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice, I~{!/~}m trying to concentrate over here.
S~{!/~}porean: Eh, Tiam leh!

When asking someone if he/she knows you...
Brit : Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?
S~{!/~}porean: See what see?! BUAY SONG AH?!

this thing is dedicated to all managers and CEO

no wonder the programmers working like hell...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Programmer to Team Leader:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"We CAN NOT do this proposed project. It will involve a major design
change and no one in our team knows the design of this system. Also
nobody in our company knows the language in which this application has
been written. If you ask my personal opinion, the company should never
take this type of project."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Team Leader to Project Manager:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"This project will involve a design change. Currently, we don't have any
staff who has experience in this type of work. Also, the language is
unfamiliar to us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we take
this project. In my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a
project of this nature."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Project Manager to 1st Level Manager:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"This project involves a design change in the system and we don't have
much experience in that area. Also, not many people in our company are
appropriately trained for it. In my personal opinion, we would need more
time than usual to complete it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
1st Level Manager to Senior Level Manager:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"This project involves design re-engineering. We have some people who
have worked in this area and others who know the implementation
language, so they can train other people. In my personal opinion we
should take this project, but with caution."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Senior Level Manager to CEO:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"This project will demonstrate to the industry our capabilities in
remodeling the design of a complete legacy system. We have all the
necessary skills and people to execute this project successfully. Some
people have already given in house training in this area to other staff
members. In my personal opinion, we should not let this project slip by us
under any circumstances."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
CEO to Client:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"This is the type of project in which our company specializes. We have
executed many projects of the same nature for many large clients. Trust
me when I say that we are the most competent firm in the industry for
doing this kind of work. It is my personal opinion that we can execute this
project successfully and well within the given time frame."

MORE~~

Wife: If I sleep with your best friend what will be the first thought to come in your mind?
Husband: that you are a lesbian.
------------------------------------------------------------
Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S ?
Because the people started licking the wrong side
------------------------------------------------------------
Girl to hungry boyfriend: If my right leg was afternoon meal & left leg evening meal what would you prefer?
Boyfriend: Eating between meals

************************************************************

Very interesting...

...found on toilet doors and walls

A poet trying his BEST

Graffiti 1

Here I lie in stinky vapour, Because
some ******* stole
the toilet paper, Shall I lie, or
shall I linger, Or
shall I be forced to use my finger.

Before he graduated to be a poet, he wrote this....

Graffiti 2

Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to shit
But only farted

Some one who had a different experience wrote

Graffiti 3

You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit my pants!

Perhaps it is true that people get inspiration in toilets

Graffiti 4

I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.

There are also people who come in for a different purpose

Graffiti 5

Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bullshit on the walls...

Toilets walls are also job advertisement places.......

Graffiti 6

(written high upon the wall)
If you can piss above this line, the Singapore Fire Department wants you.

Ministry of environment advertisement

Graffiti 7

We aim to please!
You aim too! Please!

Graffiti 8

Seen above a urinal:
Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal.
We don't piss in your ashtrays!

Graffiti 9

On the inside of a toilet door:
patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance.

Graffiti 10

A sign at a swimming pool bathroom:
We don't swim in your toilet, so please don't pee in our pool!

Graffiti 11

Another sign seen at a swimming pool:
Welcome to our ool.
Notice there's no P in it.
Please keep it that way.
This should teach you a lesson

Graffiti 12

Sign seen at a restaurant:
The hands that clean these toilets also make your food...please aim properly.

Red Indian

This Red Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say,Mom," he asked, "why is my bigger brother named 'Mighty Storm'?"
"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.",she replied.
"Why is my sister named 'Corn Flower'?"
"Well," his mother answered, "Your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called 'Moon Child'?"
"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived," the mother replied.
The mother then asked the boy, "Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are you so curious?!"

Biology Lesson in Class

During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class:
"Why is that during childhood, gals tend to grow taller than guys?"

A student replied: "That's because guys have "balls" and that weighs them down."

Teacher: "Then why is that at maturity, guys tend to grow taller than gals?"

Student: "That's because gals have breasts and they are heavier than the guy's "balls"

Teacher FAINTED

ALL MEN HAVE ONE!!!!!!!!!

I have one
Your husband will have one
Your mother uses your father's one
And your auntie uses your uncle's one
A married lady would acquire one
But a divorced lady would lose her one
A pope doesn't have one
Madonna doesn't have one
The chinese usually have short ones
While the pakitanese usually have long ones
After your marriage your husband will give you his one?
Longer or shorter you have to take his one
Do you want one?
How long do u want?
Which one is your preferred one?
Long one or short one?

(see below for the answer)
What are u thinking of?
Are u sure of your answer?







It's your SURNAME, what are u thinking of?
You dirty mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hehehehe...........

Faints x.x

A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her
arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month
overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a
test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell,
because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs.
Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric
company.

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a
bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next
morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month
overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you
have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

---------------------------------------

A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school.
Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother
who
is only 9 years old.

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun.
They
have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already
asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the
top
bunk.

As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers
that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to
whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a
new
position.

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

She screams.

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!



Whoa!!!

PULL IT OUT!!!

PULL IT OUT NOW!!!

I can't get pregnant!

Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop
making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over
my face!*!*!*!*!

Chickens?

The question is: Why did the chicken cross the road?, every famous and
powerful person has different answers and grounds.


GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road. The chicken is either with
us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken
crossing the road represents the application of these two different
functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater
services to the American people.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed access to the other side of the road.


MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq's ambassador)
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We
don't even have a chicken.


SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it


HELEN CLARK
Unless the chicken had UN approval to cross, this is a blatant breach of
international law.


MARIAN HOBBS
Chickens must get resource consent to cross roads. Officials from the
Ministry for the Environment will investigate the activities of this
chicken.


DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The
chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!


ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.


MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.


JOHN LENNON
Imagine - chickens crossing roads everywhere - in peace.


FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have
to cross before you believe it?

BILL GATES
I have just released e-Chicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -
and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
chicken?


BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken?
Could you define chicken, please?

May u readers laugh like mad

Joke 1
Boy goes 4 Blood Test. Nurse takes the sample but can't find cotton so she
Sucks his Finger!
Boy is so happy he asks, Can I gat a Urine Test also?

Joke 2
Do u know why guys fart louder? Because in between his legs, there is
1 microphone & 2 speakers.

Joke 3
A wife asks hubby how many women he had slept with? Husband proudly replies
only u darling; with others I was awake!

Joke 4
A man ask doc. how to live longer?
Doc ask him : U Smoke?
Ans : No
U drink?
Ans : No
U play mahjong?
Ans : No
U like sex?
Ans : No
Then U want to live so long 4 what?

Joke 5
Phone rings & maid picks up phone as her master is bathing.... When the caller asked what is he doing,
the maid replied "mastur bating"

More Jokes again hehehe

Ah Seng wants to make love with Ah Lian but he is afraid that Ah Lian will get pregnant, so he approaches his friend Ah Beng for advice. Ah Beng said "Aiya, very easy one lah. Nah, take this packet of condoms and follow the instructions, nothing will happen one." So Ah Seng takes the condom and at night makes love with Ah Lian. Two months later, Ah Seng comes to look for Ah Beng and tells him that Ah Lian is pregnant.
"Cannot be what, did you follow the instructions or not?" asks Ah Beng.
"Na -bei! Got lah. The box says "Stretch the condom over organ before intercourse, I got no organ, so I stretch it over my piano loh."

=======================================================

Ah Beng to a long-distance telephone operator:
"Could you please tell me the time difference between
Taipei and Las Vegas?"
Operator: "Just a minute......"
Ah Beng: "Thank You," and puts down the phone.

=======================================================

At a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tells
the bartender," JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." and his
companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."
The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks," AND YOU,
SIR?"
Ah Beng replies:" Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED."

=======================================================

After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on
quite for some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off the
finished puzzle to a friend.
"It took me ONLY FIVE MONTHS TO DO IT," Ah Beng brags.
"FIVE MONTHS? THAT'S TOO LONG," the friend exclaims.
"YOU ARE A FOOL."
Ah Beng replies," NO LAH, SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN
FOR 4-7YRS, LEH!"

=======================================================

Ah Beng took part in the Singapore Manhunt
Competition. During the Q&A segment, the host asks,
"Name a drink that begins with the letter 'G'."
The crowd shouts, "Gin! Gin!"
Others exclaim, "No it's Grape Juice!"
Another smart aleck yells, "Alamak, Gatorade!"
Host: "Quiet please."
Ah Beng laughs hysterically like a hyena before
replying, "C'mon man, you think I need your help? I
got more original answer: Guni!"(cow milk in Hokkien).

=======================================================

Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using
it when he encountered some problems. He decided to
use the 'Help' command.
After some tries, he became irritated and called the
computer retailer for support.
Ah Beng:" I pressed the 'F1' key for help...but it's
been over half an hour and still nobody has came to
help me???"
Computer Retailer:...............

=======================================================

In an English class:
Teacher: "Class, do you know the meaning of parents?"
Ah Beng: "Yes, teacher, it means father and mother."
Teacher: "Good. Can you give me an example?"
Ah Beng: "Sure. Cowboy's parents mean cowboy's father
and mother. Also can say
Cowboy's father is Cow Pay and Cowboy's mother is Cow
Boo. So together we say Cow Pay Cow Boo (KPKB)."
Teacher fainted...............

=======================================================

Ah Beng with his two red ears went to his doctor. The
doctor asked him what happened to his ears and he
answered," I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring
loh but instead of picking up the phone, I
accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my
ear. So kena loh!" "Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in
disbelief. "But...what happen to the other ear?"
"Aiyah! That stoooopid dumbo called back!"

=======================================================

Ah Beng and Ah Seng rent a boat and fish in a lake
everyday.
One day, they caught 30 fishes.
Ah Beng said to Ah Seng," Mark this spot so that we
can come back here again tomorrow."
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat,
Ah Beng asked Ah Seng," Did you mark that spot?" Ah
Seng replied," Yeah, I put a big X on the bottom of
the boat,"
Ah Beng said," You stupid fool! What if we don't get
that same boat today !?!?"

=======================================================

Ah Beng and Ah Seng exited and locked the car in a
hurry, forgetting to remove the key which was in the
ignition. Realizing the mistake, Ah Beng asked," Why
don't we get a coat hanger to open it?"
"No, that won't work," answered Ah Seng." People might
think we're trying to break in."
Then Ah Beng suggested," What if we use a pocket knife
to cut the rubber, then stuck a finger in and pull up
the lock?"
"No," said Ah Seng. "People will think we're too dumb
to use a coat hanger."
The "kan cheong" Ah Beng shouted," We better think of
something fast. It's starting to rain and the sunroof
is open!!!"

=======================================================

Ah Beng serving his NS overseas and far from home, was
annoyed and upset when his girl Ah Lian wrote breaking
off their engagement and asking for her photograph
back. He went out and collected from his friends all
the unwanted photographs of women that he could find,
bundled them all together and sent them to her with a
note stating the following:
"Regret cannot remember which one is
you...............
please keep your photo and return the others."

=======================================================

Once Ah Beng , Ah Seng and Ah Lian went for dinner at
the Compass Rose at the top of the Westin Stamford .
After dinner, they went to the lift scanned the
buttons and couldn't find the button for the first
floor. Ah Beng suggested taking the stairs but Ah Lian
decided to press the lift button "G". They found
themselves on the first ground and Ah Beng remarked,
"Wah, you so smart, ah. How did you know this was
ground floor?" Ah Lian replied ," Aiyah so simple you
also dunno! G: stands for gero loh!"

=======================================================

One evening, Ah Beng and Ah Lian went to a lounge and
requested the DJ to play the song "Ah Cheng Buey Lo
Ti" (Ah Cheng buys bread). The DJ told them they only
played English songs and asked them to request another
song. They were upset and complained to the manager
that the DJ was insulting them. After many hours of
calming them down, the manager found out they were
actually requesting the Righteous Brothers song,
"Unchained Melody".

=======================================================

Ah Beng and Ah Seng went to a hawker centre. Ah Seng
noticed the hygiene grades issued by the Ministry of
Health pasted at each stall and asked Ah Beng, "Eh,
the 'A', 'B', 'C' and 'D' stand for what ah?" Ah Beng
snorted and said, "Aiyah, this sort of thing you also
dunno! 'D' stand for 'delicious', 'C' stand for 'can
eat', 'B' stand for 'buay sai' (cannot) and 'A' stand
for 'Alamak'!"

=======================================================

Long time ago, a rich Singapore tycoon wanted to know
how happy a man could be if he was given one wish. He
paid three people to test out his experiment. The
rules were:
1. Each person could only have one wish.
2. They will be left on a deserted island for 30
years.
3. Food, but not liquor would be provided.
The first contestant, Billy Clinton (USA) asked for 30
prettiest PLAYBOY centerfolds: "So I can make the most
beautiful babies in the world."
The second contestant, Jon Major (UK) said, "I want 30
years' supply of booze."
The last contestant, Ah Beng (Singapore) said, "I want
30 years' supply of Saa-lim (Salem) cigarettes so I
can smoke until I song-song."
30 years later, the three contestants came back for a
press conference. Billy had with him 200 children and
30 estranged women. He remarked, "It has been a long
sexual experience for me and was wondering whether
anyone care to buy a child. I will even throw in the
mother for free!" Jon, hanging on to a bottle of beer,
was suffering from a hangover but he managed to utter
these words. "God save the Beer! The Queen can drink
seawater." The last contestant, Ah Beng, hugging onto
cartons of Salem shouted, "Ni na
beh! Buay kee gia lighter!!!" (@#$*! Forgot to bring
lighter!)

=======================================================

Last night, an incident took place at Boat Quay. What
happened was some idiot was trying to show off and
declared that he could swim across the Singapore
River. He jumped in and started swimming. But before
he could reach the halfway mark, he started to panic
and started to shout for help. Being typical
Singaporeans, a crowd started to gather to watch and
yet no attempt was made by anybody to save that poor
chap. Suddenly there was a splash and the crowd turned
to see a guy doing what seemed like a desperate
attempt to reach the drowning victim. It was clear
that this hero couldn't swim! Luckily a tongkang
filled with tourists was passing by and the operator
saw the incident and picked both men from the water.
The crowd cheered! Back on shore, the crowd cheered
again as the hero stepped off the tongkang. "Steady
lah!" and "Awright, man!" were among any
congratulations shouted. Ah Beng looked angry and
shouted "Ka ni na! Siang too wa loh chui?" (*%#@! Who
pushed me into the water?")

=======================================================

Ah Beng joined a quiz show and was asked to name
three fruits whose names begin with "A". Ah Beng
immediately said "Apple...Apricot..." then he was stumped.
After a while, he finally shouted triumphantly, "Ang
Mor Tan!"

=======================================================

Ah Beng ordered a pizza and the waitress asked if he
should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

=======================================================

How do you make Ah Beng laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

=======================================================

"Oh, look at the dead bird."
Ah Beng looked skyward and said, "Where, where got?"

=======================================================

Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?
Because below 18 was not allowed.

Jokes!

"Marketing 101"
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed". That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed". That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed". That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed". That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed". That's Brand Recognition.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"The Honest Wife"
A man who was driving a car with his wife was stopped by a police officer. The following exchange took place.
The man says, "What's the problem, officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gave his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight. "
Man: "Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks." (The man gave his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
The man turned to his wife and yelled, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The officer turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife said, "No, only when he's drunk."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"An Honest Mistake"
A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she choked."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"The Infant-Sized Penis"
Jim decided to propose to Sandy. But prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts the maturity of a 12 year old's.
He stated that it was okay, because he loved her so much. However, Jim felt this was the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said, "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant's, and I hope you can deal with that once we are married."
She said, "Yes. I will marry you and learn to live with your infant- sized penis." Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Jim rushed Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant's!"
"It is . . . 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches!"

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Measurement
On returning from battle in the Falkland Islands, 3 soldiers are asked to report to their commander. The commander states that because of services rendered the army will pay each soldier a sum of �100 pound per inch on their bodies, from one point to another of their choice. The commander asks the first soldier, a special forces commando, how he can measure him up. "I'll have the top of my head, to the tips of my toes, sahr!" replies the man of war. "Excellent," says the commander, that's "70 inches, so here's �7000." Secondly a marine states that he will have the tip of one arm outstretched measured to the other outstretched. "Excellent," replies the commander after measuring the marine, "75 inches, so that's �7500." Thirdly he asks the explosives expert. "I'll have measured the tip of my d*** to he end of my balls sahr!" The commander is a little taken aback by this but agrees, and after several seconds down in the private's privates he snaps back up saying "Where in Christ are your balls soldier?!" The soldier smiles at him and says "Falkland Islands sahr!"

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JJJ
It seems that there were twin brothers by the name of Jones, John and Joe. John was married and Joe was single. Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated boat. It so happened that Joe's boat sank on the same day that John's wife died.
A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street, and mistaking him for John said:" I was sorry to hear of your great loss, and you must feel terrible." Joe replied; " Well, I am not a bit sorry. She was a rotten old thing from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, and she smelled of old fish. The first time I got into her she made water faster that anything I ever saw. She had a crack and a pretty big hole in front that kept getting bigger and bigger every time that I used her. It got so I could handle her all right, but when someone else was using her she leaked like anything. This is what finished her off: Four guys from the other side of town came down looking for a good time. They asked if I could rent her to them. I warned them that she wasn't so hot, but the crazy fools all tried to get into her at the same time. It was too much for her and she cracked right up the middle! " THE OLD LADY FAINTED.

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Deaf Sex
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times"
Penis

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One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

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Wife
Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the landlord.

The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't." "Where's your car?" the landlord asks. "At the roadside," the guy gasps.

"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place." "Be my guest," the guy says. So the landlord goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away.

Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right, officer," explains the landlord, "She's my wife." The officer replies apologetically, "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize."

Look at the woman the landlord says, "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."

More Jokes!!

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
(At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.)
Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"


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One woman called a toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this stupid thing, and I'm not going to read the book."

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Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

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Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No..."

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Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

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At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.
Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."
Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage."
Customer: "What is that?"
Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."
Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ."

Jokes Jokes!!

1) What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
Your salary. It comes once a month, lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are in big trouble.

2) What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?
Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.

3) What's common between men and video?
Both go backward..forward..backward..forward..backward..forward..stop and eject..

4) What is the similarity between men and rats?
Both keep searching for new HOLES.

5) What's the difference between biology and sociology?
When the baby looks like his dad, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology.

6) Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as i have advised?
Lady : Doctor, i thought you had said 3 males a day.

7) Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes, all the animals laughed.
Tarzan asked: "Why?"
The animals told him: "Your tail is in the front!!"

Transformer Jokes!! xD

So Today was with a friend and the conversation went something like this..

Me : Hey you know who is Transformers parents anot?
Friend : Transformers got parents wan mehhh??
Me : Got lah,we all human got parents,transformers oso need parents mahhh!! ish ish..
Friend: Ok then,who are they???!?!!
Me : Transparent lahhh!! [Trans Parent]

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What is transformer's gender? Transsexual

What do you call transformer's hair? Transfer

Who's transformer's sister? Transistor

What lotion transformer uses? Translucent

Transformer doesn't SIT, they TRANSIT

Which race is transformer from? Transnasional

What's the name of an autobot that transforms into a furniture? Perabot

Husband for Sale, Don't believe? Come in and you will know!

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch .... You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids and are extremely good looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!